How Are Mindfulness, Mentalization, and Parenting Related?

I just finished a research project that stemmed from a question that is both personal and professional:

What happens in our minds when we become mothers and spend much of our day (and night) responding with presence and sensitivity to the needs of a small being who doesn't yet know how to communicate?

The inspiration came from a book called Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin, where it’s suggested that mindfulness and mentalization—the ability to reflect on what we feel and what others feel—mutually reinforce each other within the context of a therapeutic relationship. Over time, this way of responding creates a secure bond between therapist and client from which to address the client’s concerns.

This idea immediately made me think about the similarities and differences between the therapeutic relationship and the mother-infant relationship. In both cases, good mentalization and a mindful attitude are essential to developing the relationship. But while a therapist spends a maximum of 7–8 hours a day attending to another person’s experience in this way, mothers of infants spend a huge portion of their time focused on the baby’s present, past, and future needs. Add to this the lack of sleep, the physical, psychological, and social changes associated with motherhood, and often, a limited social support network.

I kept wondering:
How do our minds hold all of that? How do we stay balanced under so much demand and still care for ourselves?

That’s how this study was born.

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What did I research?

I invited two groups of women between the ages of 20 and 45 to participate:

• First-time mothers in their first year of parenting.
• Women without children.
  
  

I asked them to complete questionnaires on three key topics:

• Mindfulness attitude: how they regulate their attention and how openly they relate to their experiences.
• General mentalization: their ability to reflect on thoughts, emotions, and desires, both their own and others’.
• Parental reflective functioning: the unique ability to interpret a baby’s behavior in terms of internal mental states (like fear, need, or discomfort).

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Mindfulness: What exactly is it?

In short:

• Regulated attention: Being present, attentive to the current moment, without distraction.
• Acceptance: Receiving our experiences and feelings without judgment or trying to immediately change them.
  
  

Mentalization: How is it different?

It’s the capacity to reflect on what’s going on inside ourselves and others.
It’s asking questions like: Why did they react that way? Does it relate to their past, something they just heard, or a physical need?

Parental Reflective Functioning: How does it apply to parenting?

It’s a very specific form of mentalization, focused on understanding that a baby’s behavior expresses emotions, needs, or thoughts—even if they can’t yet explain them in words.

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What did we find?

One key part of the study was evaluating general mentalization separately from baby-focused mentalization, because mentalizing with your partner or friend isn’t the same as doing so with your child. In fact, previous studies show these two abilities don’t always go hand in hand.

In new mothers, we found that:

• The more accepting and open they were toward their experiences, the less they tended to analyze or interpret other people’s behavior. It’s as if allowing themselves to simply be in the experience reduced the need to make sense of it cognitively.
  

In women without children:

• We found no relationship between acceptance and mentalization, suggesting that this shift in how experiences are processed might be specific to the maternal experience.

And what about mental health?

• Mothers with more symptoms of sadness, guilt, or worry showed greater difficulty in adopting an attitude of acceptance. This echoes what many studies already suggest: cultivating mindfulness—especially acceptance—helps prevent and reduce symptoms of postnatal depression.

What about parental reflective functioning?

• Here, an opposite and very valuable trend emerged:
  Mothers who were better able to stay present in the moment also showed greater capacity to understand what their baby was feeling.
  In other words: being present helps us connect with the baby’s mind
  
  

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What now?

These results aren’t shocking revelations. In many ways, our bodies, experiences, and intuition already knew this.

But putting data, words, and context to it helps validate what we feel. When we become mothers, our inner world changes. And often, to adapt, we need to let go of certainty, external expectations, and autopilot mode.

We need to learn to be with what is, not with what should be.

And from that place, we can tune in to what the baby is saying—without words.
It’s not easy. Especially if we’re sad, alone, or overwhelmed.

But it’s an important reminder: we don’t have to do it perfectly—but it is worth learning to be present.